It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
