Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize