do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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