i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
