I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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