I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize