Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
