dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize