he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
