if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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