mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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