I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I need to stop coming to work sober
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize