just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
