I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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