Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
