I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
