just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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