Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
this just has baby written all over it
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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