just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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