I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
