I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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