This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
