And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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