Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
