I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
