i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
