I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
