i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
