He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Randomize
