We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
