where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
