I wish I only lived at night.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
