News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
