I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize