Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
