yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
