Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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