i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
