My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
