Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
as a side note pls kill me
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
