Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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