Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
