I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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