come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
