It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
