i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
