Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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