if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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