Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
