I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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