I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
