So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Michael Bay diarrhea
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Randomize
