im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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