I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
