just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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